Random Thoughts...

Cognitive Dissonance-- What is it about me that causes me to spend absurd amounts of extra money on organic milk, and then take my kids to McDonalds for lunch?

I'm ready to jump already, Starbucks! -- Just got around to downloading all my "free" (can anything be considered free when I've spent $4 on a cup of joe?) iTunes from Starbucks. So far, the assortment I've received has been dark, dark, dark and depressing. Haven't been paying all that much attention to the lyrics, but how can a song called "Happy being me" sound so blue?

PROJECT RUNWAY!!! -- Yahoo! My favorite guilty pleasures returns, finally! Can't wait for the snarkiness, the divas, the over-the-top product placement, the fabulous Tim Gunn (ever so much better in this role than in his makeover show), and the barely-literate but oh so lovable Heidi Klum.

Strategery -- Attended a "strategies for helping your child read" session with Abby at her school last night. (Jake came too, and was most entertained by a teacher dressed up as a kangaroo. I cannot for the life of me figure out the whole kangaroo thing, but that's a whole other topic.) At one station, teachers told us about the importance of using NON-verbal communication to convey support and encouragement. We were then given a book to read with our child. Abby struggled with a tough word, but ultimately figured it out on her own. I gave her a hug AND said, "great job!" to which she replied, "Um, mommy, do you want to try using some of the strategies now?" Ahem.

Writer's Block

So, the Mommy has been on hiatus for a while now. I find myself with a serious case of blogger's block. All day long, I write pithy, amusing anecdotes in my head. But when I go to put finger to keyboard..... a big, fat, nothin'. I'm hoping that will all the tv writers on strike, there's lots more inspiration floating around in the atmosphere, and perhaps that will loosen things up.

Part of the problem is that I continue to struggle with the age old questions of "Who am I? Why am I here?" (thank you, Admiral Stockdale) I seem to have lost all sight of the answers, if I ever even knew them. It's hard to write when you can't quite figure out what you're writing about, or why.

One thing I'm sure of is that, while my life is by all measures a good one, I'm not feeling that way these days. A very short temper, general weepiness, and poor sleep tell me that The Big D (depression) is coming to visit again, and perhaps has snuck in the back door already. I knew I should have double-checked the locks.

And so I am getting ready to begin a new adventure: therapy. It seems everybody is doing it (heck, there was even an article in Men's Health about it), and I'm hopeful that it might help. I'll keep you posted.

Farewell

Jake and I bid a sad adios today to Patricia, the phenomenally sweet woman who has looked after him at the gym. She and her toddler daughter are returning to her home in Bolivia, to be reunited with her 12 year old son, whom she has not seen in 6 years. I'm thrilled for her, but of course also wish she could stay. Jake is going to be doubly devastated when we go back to the gym on Monday -- no Miss Patricia, and, most likely, no more cake. (Twice this week, he has benefitted from sweet farewells, leading to his announcing throughout the day, "I eat cake at my gym!")

Although she doesn't read this blog, I'm sending out a sincere thank you into the ether, and hoping she knows just how much she's meant to Jake and me. Adios, amiga!

Staccato

I've always liked jazz, but never quite understood how it works. I love the funky off-beats, the sense that you can never know for sure where the music is going, because at any moment, it could make a u-turn. Need a quick pick-me-up? Give me Dexter Gordon's "Go" or Miles Davis' "Chocolate Chip" any day.

I've found myself thinking about this as I've been trying to get into the rhythm of this new school year. I hope that at some point, the routine will become, well, routine, and I will stop having mini-panic attacks throughout the day, fearful that I've forgotten to get somebody somewhere.

I suspect, 'though, that I simply need to let go and accept the staccato nature of my life. It's time to find the beauty and the inspiration in the fits and starts, the ups and downs, the back and forths of each day. No Venetian waltzes for me, and really, isn't that just as well?

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

It's been a back to the future kind of week. OJ Simpson is back in the news. Howard Jones (!) is playing at the Birchmere soon. And I ate lunch in an elementary school cafeteria for the first time in nearly 30 years. (Boy was that painful to type.)

I joined Abby for lunch on Tuesday and was amazed by how much -- and how little -- school lunch has changed. The lunch ladies -- and gentlemen, to be fair -- seem about the same. The food is quite similar, but there are soooooo many choices! When I was in elementary school, each day every single tray looked the same. You picked yours up, full of food, at the end of the line. Today, the kids have options, man. Three entrees, multiple sides, salads, desserts -- it's like eating at Sizzler or something.

There is no more paying with cash, or even the quaint little punchcards that I had in high school. Nope, now there's a debit account, complete with a PIN number for the little darlings to learn. (Note to those who enjoy irony -- parents have been besieged with pleas from the school to have Johnny and Jane memorize their PIN number and, above all, NOT to share it with anyone. However, at lunch time, all the kids in Abby's class marched into the cafeteria wearing tags with their PIN numbers in about 75 point font...)

The real fun was getting to hang out with Abby and some of her classmates. There was the class clown who rarely stopped talking, a couple of very shy girls, and a few boys who would speak only if spoken to. They were fun and silly and seemed genuinely glad to have me at their table. Abby held my hand, talked to me, and didn't want me to leave. I wonder how long that will last!

Later in the week, we attended Back to School Night. The Principal now addresses the parents via live TV-broadcast and overhead projectors have been replaced by Power Point presentations. But the room is basically the same as I remember from my childhood -- with the reading/listening center, play areas, a big calendar and gathering space, etc. Some things will never change. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is a very good thing.

Settling in.

It's been a topsy-turvy week. Abby started kindergarten on Tuesday and my husband is out of town until Sunday. Lots of changes to our "normal" routine, and a huge array of emotions to cope with. Tuesday afternoon brought a huge panic attack when Abby failed to get off the bus with all the other kids at our bus stop. I started calling her name somewhat hysterically, and up she popped out of a seat. She was sitting on the opposite side of the bus from the morning, and just didn't recognize the stop. But I won't soon forget the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought she was lost. Egads.

Yesterday was better. Jake and I went raspberry picking with friends in the morning, and then I used his nap time to get some planting and other yard work done. I felt more at peace than I had the previous day, and Abby hopped right off the bus at the end of the day.

On Day 3, I find myself settling in. We're all adjusting to the new rhythms, getting used to the combination of new freedoms and new responsibilities. I'm starting to truly enjoy the quiet time in the afternoon when Jake naps and Abby is still at school. Abby is deliriously happy and announces to anyone who will listen, "I love kindergarten!" I'm coming to terms with the fact that she is growing up, but find myself holding Jake even tighter, willing him to remain my "baby" for as long as possible.

I feel as though my husband has missed a huge transition in our family's life, and I worry a bit about how we'll plug him in when he returns. Our days have changed radically -- mornings are much more crunched, as are evenings because bedtime has had to move earlier. He'll be coping with terrible jet lag, too. More settling in to come...

Tick, Tick, Tick

Most of my days pass at breakneck speed. With two active kids, I don't slow down very often. I always have a list of 900 things to do, most of which will probably be passed from list to list to list until sometime in the 2020s.

Today, time seems to have stopped. My daughter is off at her first day of kindergarten, and I simply cannot focus enough to tackle anything on the to do list. Jake is napping, and these are the afternoon hours I've been longing for -- quiet time when I can get things done without interruption.

It feels a bit like when we were trying to get a child to sleep through the night -- pointedly ignoring the anguished cries, when each minute felt like an hour. "I can't take anymore; it's just not right to let her keep crying. It's been at least 45 minutes." A quick check of the clock would reveal that it had actually been 4 to 5 minutes.

I had no idea just how long her day at school would seem. I didn't appreciate how much earlier she would be leaving in the morning than she did for preschool. Jake and I were back from the bus stop at 8:15, both kind of looking at each other as if to say, "what now?"

We have filled the time -- a trip to Home Depot for some fall plants, a grocery store run for milk and other essentials, a lot of time playing outside. And now he naps peacefully, while I pace around the house waiting for my daughter to be returned to me. Tick, tick, tick.